Wednesday, December 26, 2007
December 2007 Christine's Corner
<< A word to our readers - Often during the holiday season we focus on those who are filled with the joy of the holiday season , but in truth there are many people who struggle with a variety of issues this time of year. This newsletter is focused on helping those individuals cope with whatever stresses they have during this time...>>
As I write this, it is not yet December, but everywhere there are signs of the holiday season. Many-colored lights are twinkling on the neighborhood houses and shrubs. Candles and Christmas trees are appearing in my neighbors' windows. The city park is gaudy with lights, human-sized candy canes, and other seasonal displays. Radio stations have begun playing Christmas music all the time. The airwaves are filled with chestnuts roasting on open fires, bells (both silver and sleigh), Santa, reindeer, presents, and joy to the world.
For many people, including myself, holiday festivities do indeed bring joy, love, and a feeling of magic in the air. Lots of people love putting up the decorations, planning special meals for family and friends, and finding just the right gifts for their children. For many others, however, the holidays are a difficult and stressful time, and their feelings are best expressed not by "Joy to the World" but by "Blue Christmas."
Why, during such a festive season, are so many people depressed? Holiday depression can stem from a number of sources, including unrealistic expectations about what the holidays should bring, or the extra demands of holiday shopping, parties, and special food preparation added to already busy schedules. Financial worries over holiday expenses and feelings of grief or isolation due to the loss or absence of family members or friends can also bring about feelings of sadness or depression. Often, the increased demands to complete obligations at work before the year ends can add additional stress as the holidays near as well.
Many, perhaps most, of us have unrealistic expectations about the holiday season. The media bombards us with images of happy, well-dressed families in beautifully decorated homes smiling over perfectly prepared dinners and piles of perfectly wrapped presents. If this is what we think the holidays should be, then we are bound to be disappointed by our own more or less dysfunctional families, with our fraying bathrobes, rumpled slipcovers, overdone potatoes, and presents hastily stuffed into gift bags and covered with crumpled tissue paper.
Add to this the stresses built up by too many hours in over-crowded malls, after seemingly endless searching for a parking place, and it's no wonder many of us are relieved to put the holiday season behind us - except for the anxiety over paying the credit card bills, which, if we're not careful, can spill well into the next few months.
In addition, many of us have lost loved ones - parents, spouses, children, or friends - to death, divorce, or dementia, and the holiday season heightens the grief we feel over those losses. How is it possible to even think about celebrating when Mom isn't there with us? Whether this is the first holiday without Dad or the sixth or the tenth, his absence is still felt. And if we have no family members at all - for example, a single person with no siblings who has lost both parents - then the season with its emphasis on family seems unspeakably cruel. It is for people dealing with such feelings of grief, loss, and isolation that some churches have begun to hold what they are calling "Blue Christmas" services. As an antidote to contrived holiday cheerfulness, these somber services provide an opportunity for parishioners who greet the holiday season with sadness or depression to acknowledge their dark feelings within a church community.
Whether our holiday depression stems from grief and loneliness or stress over the desire to do or buy too much, there are steps we can take to help alleviate those feelings.
Honor your feelings of grief and depression.
The loss of a loved one is incredibly painful, and the holidays may always exacerbate the grief over that loss. Feeling that the "joyfulness" of the season does not allow for that grief will only add to the negative feelings. Allow yourself the space to grieve, and you may very well find in that spaciousness you are able to feel the joy of your loved one's presence even in his or her physical absence.
Remember the real spirit of the season.
In our commercial culture, the season seems to be about getting, spending, and buying more and better presents each year. We want what we see on TV and in magazines; we want what the neighbors have. In short, we suffer from what has been termed "affluenza," a socially transmitted disease consisting of overwork, debt, and anxiety caused by the constant desire for more, a disease of which consumerist American holiday shopping is a symptom. Despite what the great American marketing machine tells us, however, the holidays aren't about large, expensive presents, but about love and the return of the light after a season of darkness.
Rather than shopping to the point of physical, mental, and financial exhaustion, consider spending time playing with your children, taking a walk around the neighborhood to look at the Christmas lights, building a snowman, or baking cookies. For the most part, these activities are free and they help you relax into the real joy of the season. As you do so, you may realize that you don't really need the mounds of presents after all.
Do something nice for someone else.
Take those cookies you baked to a neighbor who lives alone or volunteer at a soup kitchen. Giving to others - from the heart - is a wonderful way both to help you feel better about yourself and to realize the true spirit of the holidays. It can be difficult to remember what the true message of the season is with the focus on gift-giving, but the true gifts that we give and receive in this world are the gifts of ourselves and the connections we make with others that touch their hearts.
Reconnect with an old friend - or make a new one.
Re-establishing contact with people with whom you have lost touch can be amazingly rewarding. I've discovered that although it may have been years since a friend and I last talked, once we reconnect, those years just slip away, and all the affection we feel for one another is still just as present as ever. Need a new friend? Try inviting a colleague or neighbor to lunch or coffee. It may be that you really aren't as alone as you thought.
Be present to what is happening in your life now.
Don't dwell on how much better Christmas was in the past or how much better it could be if you only had ... whatever it is that seems to be missing. What might you celebrate right now? The crispness of the air, the last remaining bright red maple leaf, the fresh snowfall, the soft warmth of your cat on your lap, your dog greeting you at the door at the end of the day: all of these are ordinary, everyday things that we don't always notice but which we can recognize as the gifts they are if we are only present to them.
The holiday message is one of "good tidings of great joy" and that joy is there for one and all. It's not about the number or size or cost of presents - or even about the number of people you have with whom to spend the holiday. Rather it is about presence and the love that - trite though it may sound - really is always and already all around us just waiting for us to open our hearts.
~posted by Christine, 9:38 AM
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