Thu, April 3, 2014
Time of My Life - Phase II
OK so the move got away from me . . .

I fired the moving company after a bait ‘n switch just the night before the moving day. Thankfully another company miraculously had a cancellation and will move me but can’t pack my 4,000 sq ft home. Uh Oh!

I hustled just to get things in boxes in the 2 days allotted. Exhaustion settled in and I called in the forces, thankfully again two Angels responded and gave me their precious time or the move never would have happened, still. Amidst all of this “holy shit” rapid fire time period, I truly had moments of such learning, letting go, letting down, resistance, fear and fearlessness.

That’s when I realized my theme for this phase is “W a t e r “; I am fluid and determined. Throughout, I am looking back at my life in review and looking forward at the same time, seeing the life and home that I had created beautifully and loved, it was right for me, it was right for my family. What an amazing time of my life and I held it together, as hard as it was to dismantle my entire world; and then I was packing my platters, you know the ones, for holidays, or for those yummy, heartwarming, delicious moments with friends and family... and I am packing them so carefully…

That’s when I really lost it, uncontrollably lost it and my friend sitting alongside just held space for me to feel this “laying aside” of all that is familiar to me. I was packing all that my mother had taught me about caring for others, she was a wonderful entertainer and if you don’t have the platters to serve others with, how then do you serve? Well the metaphorical paradox hit me, wham! I was suddenly soooo sad, and simultaneously soooo excited in anticipation of a life I could hardly imagine in this moment.

I had originally intended to choose carefully those boxes that would go with me and those that would go into storage, both deep into storage and shallow enough so I can get to them later when I need them or when I know where I am going. I put the things I love and need the very most into a large grey Tupperware container and left it in my closet where I can keep an eye on it. Uh huh… the movers came in and between my wonderful friends packing boxes, the guys loading the trucks, someone packing my closet and where the heck was I?....At the end of the day, everything is packed and successfully placed into two huge storage units, jammed so tight that I will never see any of it until I am committed to buying a ticket for another proverbial “train” and this includes the grey Tupperware with my favorite things, most necessary things, gone for now.  Done!
 
In the meantime, finding a home to purchase or to rent turned out to be much more difficult in this market than I had planned and for an entire month it was all I did, searching, day and night, 24/7. This was all I did from the time the nice man knocked on my door with that lovely proposal, knowing I had to go somewhere!!

But then at some point I heard the gong!! Why am I going to buy a home and go right back into the same runaway train I just jumped free of? Seriously! Two of my dearest friends jumped up and volunteered their guest rooms to me and I accepted. You know, you wonder who will actually hand over the kidney if you suddenly need it? I found them!

So for the next 59 days I flipped between 3 homes including my daughter’s on occasion. Living out of my car and suitcase, light on my feet, horribly missing the comforts of “home” and I get why ET wanted so much to “phone home”. It was a tough adjustment from knowing where everything I own is at a moment's notice to NOT.

Not knowing where anything is, from having my world exactly the way I like it, to having nothing the way I like it… Not the temperature, not the type of bed, not the meal, or when to possibly use the bathroom. Everyone was so accommodating!! I have no complaints, but the nature of the experience is that nothing was mine; so essentially, I must remain absolutely flexible and adaptable with no expectations or be miserable. My new mantra,  “Like w a t e r, fluid and determined”.
 
I watched with each passing day as I learned to be more invisible in someone else’s space. We don’t realize that the very act of setting something down marks a sense of belonging for us. It is how we have a sense of “I am here”. That is why, when someone says to you “make yourself at home”, and they really mean it, it is literally the most welcoming gesture you can offer to someone.

A homeless person wears their home in their pockets and I have a renewed respect and appreciation for their circumstance of life. . .

They can’t even lay their home down and walk a few steps away or someone may walk off with all that they have. Our belongings ground us, define us and offer a sense of worth and continuation. I was Blessed, my two Host Angels gave me a key to the door, to come and go as I require… what must it feel like to have no key at all? To have access to nothing that could be called home? And I had time to think on this.

Every moment, I was grateful to have a warm place to sleep, and it was bitter cold outside. I had my own pillow to place my head upon each night and my pillow was my home. And my dog Maxwell was my home, and he too was patiently waiting for us to go home. Sometimes I needed to go by the old address to pick up some mail, and Max would get so excited as if to say, “well thank the dog biscuits in heaven she has finally come to her senses”!! But sorry dude, you can’t even go pee on the lawn you call home” In that moment it was even harder on us both than the moment before. . .and in the next moment, we were happily anticipating the next adventure.

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