This color must go. FlightLead photo
Mon, September 30, 2013
Run to Sherwin Williams..RUN!
I truly do not know why we do this to ourselves; money, and the incredible concern of it. 

I will preface these next comments by saying that no matter what, miracle, blessing or curse, I have managed to always work it out. 

Having said that, most of my adult life, I have not had much extra in the bank. In fact, I have had nothing in the bank and beyond nothing, more times than I would like to remember. 

I was a mostly single mother for the better part of 13 years and the panic of not always knowing where our next meal is coming from, let alone the next paycheck, has left a raw groove in my heart and memory. So well worn I fear it will never go away. 

Though this commentary may seem like a statement about money, I feel it is really a story about how patterns and consistency affect our "memory" - the place in our brain where we recall well worn "grooves" on an unconcious level that is like the paint on a wall of the space we live in when "triggered" by certain contexts that we may be aware or unaware of.  

Familiar and now unnoticed, changing the color is as easy as choosing one and applying it. All of the sudden that space looks nothing like it did before. 

I think of this now as the fall season rolls underway - a typically "slow" period in my business as far as new business for the coming year is concerned. I often run around like a chicken with my head cut off in the fall, not noticing that the early months of the next year tend to lie a little dormant in my industry and whoops, I should have made adjustments and in fact, did not, to balance what could be bitter cold winter. 

My conscious brain knows full well that there is nothing to worry about and yet, I can feel that song of panic start to turn up the volume a little... a mocking, threatening echo not only making itself known in my head but also, evident in my what feels like my skin and bones. That familiar feeling of... fear. 

As soon as my consciousness acknowledges its presence, my mood changes. I start to feel dread, anxious and my chest feels tighter. In my fashion, my brain starts to go into "crisis management" mode: What do I do? What should I do? How can I make more money? What will happen with the bills? Will I have to pull my son out of daycare?? How will I work at ALL if I have to do that...?!?! and on... and on. 

Part of me feels like weeping. How exhausting and paralyzing. Part of me wants to kick something out of rebellion-what a pain in the neck!

But just as I think of the paint on the walls, I realize that instead of reacting I just need to approach it with my new Sword of Resolve; I will not pull myself into that place. 

Always looking for the leadership lesson, I realize that effective leaders know when to recognize bad habits and throw them out the window and do something else. They know that fear and risk is a part of the game and that it can be used as a tool, not as a threat. Leaders look at these kinds of feelings as checks and balances and pressing "pause" to consider what the next, right move will be. 

So to the little sing song echo in my head that threatens to derail me, I say; thank you. And now go away. 

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