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Rear View Mirror Perspective
Fri, August 1, 2014
The Time of My Life Phase I: Letting Go of the Stuff and Jumping In
This is a story of transformation and how I looked my life patterns in the face. It was a stare down actually and the habits of my life blinked first. I could suddenly see clearly that this life is a ride of my design.
 
When I looked deeper and allowed my thoughts to shift, I discovered the vitality I needed to take a flying leap into my Life Stream. It was a matter of realizing that life is a river and we can wade into it, feel the cool or the warmth, feel the push and the pull, but given the chance… it will carry us if we are not fighting it. I was battling to stand in it and the force became a Force. Well, I decided to lift up my feet, relax into it, and allow it to carry me… forward.
 
I believe my story has become, for women and men in my age bracket, so common. Many of us get caught up in a life that was handed to us, or took shape so long ago we can no longer recall where we were going or what our dreams and talents were. Today, it is increasingly difficult to afford the life we worked hard to achieve and expected to live until we die.
 
There are so many of us being adversely impacted by our very demanding treadmill, a very fast paced world, and we dare not snooze or we may never catch up. The sheer volume of passwords and user names that we must keep track of is staggering! And keeping up appearances… for me… has lost its luster.
 
So I found myself wanting a life of my choosing now, filled with intention and purpose. I found myself wondering and asking the questions – Is this all I am capable of? Is there more to discover about my Self and the world? What unsung song do I have deep within me and how much longer do I think I have in this world to sing it? Is this the life that I truly want… honestly?  
 
I am 61. The question is, how do I jump off the busy everyday of the runaway train while preserving the very best of myself, and my life, to change course, do what I love and follow my dreams? After all… it is finally my turn.
 
I believe that I was handed the opportunity of a lifetime! So I jumped! But I’ve gotten ahead of myself…
 
Two years ago, as I was just waking, I heard a booming voice say to me, “Leave this company, leave home” and I heard it! I heard it so clearly that I can’t explain it away and I can’t ignore it and all I could think was “How?”  I had already invested much of my resources and time into a new venture and oh this was soooo inconvenient right now. But I heard it. And I knew I heard it, knew what it meant.
 
I asked out loud, “How? How will I do this? Show me! Put my eye on it… show me!”

I had so much going on and was battling to keep my nose above water, using every resource I didn’t even know I had until everything was depleted and debt started piling around me. My nails were virtually all broken from holding on so tightly!!

I was feeling stuck in the never ending spin cycle and again I remembered the message I received, “Leave this company, leave home.” I knew I had to act on it, and at the same time I couldn’t imagine leaving my home that held everything that was important to me. Yet I realized that the stuff was keeping me company while my family was off creating their own lives.
 
So I looked around at all the history, the welcoming that I want my family and friends to feel when they spend time in my home, my mother’s dishes, my great great great grandmother’s rocking chair, the closet full of pictures of my life, a piano that hadn’t been played in a very long time and wouldn’t be anytime soon. I began to question… So what am I preserving and what in the world is there left undone for me to accomplish in my life? How much could I do if I were Free of all these attachments and this anchor in my mind?
 
And the truth is, the kids visit less and less… they’re busy with their own families and their own accomplishments. The idea of tackling this monument was overwhelming beyond impossible to the point that I couldn’t even imagine where I would begin such a massive undertaking. So again, I put this pilgrimage - that I knew at some level at some point in my life was going to show up at my door – back into the deepest closet of my mind… with a sense of “whew” as if I had just dodged a bullet… train!
 
So in October of last year, I was managing and manifesting like a mad woman every minute of every day and month after month to meet my obligations doing what I Loved, but the worry was taking its toll on me and people who care about me were noticing. I knew my Inner world and Outer world were out of sync… and then there was a knock on my door as a very nice man offered to buy my beautiful home and many of the things in it. I picked a good price and he agreed. In a few moments my world was cut free from its moorings and I became so overwhelmed with the task ahead. My mind blurred... What have I done!?! I have no idea where I am going! I have no idea how to do this! I am terrified!!
 
I packed my entire home, the history, the comfort, the predictability and the oh so familiar… into boxes. I gave away almost half of it, great stuff that was never used and had value if I had the time to keep up with Ebay or consignment. Instead, folks backed up trucks and loaded them full many, many, many times over, and I watched my memories and great stuff move down the driveway and on to other closets.
 
It was hard to do, to let go of the stewardship of 60 years, but I kept remembering when we lived in the big house full of wonderful things and the lessons I taught my young children… “Always remember that this house can burn to the ground tomorrow. Who will you be without it to define you?” I meant it then and I could see my words taking on new meaning for me now.
 
I packed my car with what I guessed would be the essentials needed for the next chapter of my life, unsure how long that chapter would last, where I would be, and what exactly would fill a purpose or give me comfort.

So, as scary as this was, I could feel in my bones that I had ahead of me an opportunity of a lifetime and I was going to go get it, stay open for anything and look for the Perfection in every moment.

I had it declared: I am jumping off the train and daring to live another kind of life.
 
Now I know I have a bucket list around here somewhere. 
 
And my new chapter begins…

(And will continue to unfold in next month's issue of CoSozo Living!)

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