Everybody is different and every body is different. This is a concept that I’ve grappled with since middle school. Stealthily undressing in the locker room before P.E. class, bra shopping with mom, posing for photos before the 6th grade dance… None of these awkward pre-teen moments are easy. And they’re downright torturous when you’re the token chubby girl in a circle of slim, fashionable friends. I often found myself thinking, if I could only change one thing about myself, it would be my body.

Now, as a 30-something who still isn’t always comfortable in my own skin, I find that I am constantly barraged with messages that promote change. The obesity rate is skyrocketing, diabetes is on the rise, people in the US are the heaviest on the planet. In fact, in my own practice, I focus on helping individuals and families learn to change their behavior patterns, to trade in treacherous habits for healthy routines. I wholeheartedly believe that when change leads to optimal, overall wellness, then change is good.

For some, changing the body just isn’t possible. Some have permanent physical limitations or chronic health problems that don’t allow for change. Oftentimes, our attitudes about our own bodies are altered when we see someone else whose movement is restricted to a motorized scooter or when we hold the door at the bank for a blind man with a leader dog at his side. And as I watch my parents and grandparents age and grow less agile over time, I am prompted to relish the strength, speed, and flexibility that my body has today. In these fleeting moments, we’re often able to take a step back and take a look at what we have and what we can do instead of what we can’t.

When we talk about changing the body, it is important that we strive for a balance between what can be and what is. Change is not positive (and can even be harmful) when the impetus is a biased, unrealistic view of self. Whether struggling with a chronic physical condition or a weight issue, many people fall victim to severe body dissatisfaction or body envy. And unfortunately, this ‘have not’ motivation for change can actually hold back positive growth. Coveting someone else’s physical fitness can lead to disordered eating, malnutrition, and eventual muscle and bone loss. And studies have shown that when men and women strive for unreasonable standards of body weight, size and shape, they are less likely to notice real progress and more likely to give up on their goals all together.

Whether we like it or not, we all have things about ourselves that we wish we could change. If you feel that you are plagued by ridiculing thoughts about your own body (or if you are simply tired of feeling stuck inside your chubby, self-conscious middle-school self) behavior science offers some very effective steps that can help move you to make peace with your body and move forward:

• Join forces.

These days, social networking makes so many great resources available. From the comfort of your own living room, you can reach out to others who are working through similar issues. The websites MeetUp.com, Yahoo or Google Groups and SparkPeople.com all have online forums where members just like you are bonding, venting and even finding humor in their struggles with weight loss and body image.

• Consult with a trusted professional.

Sometimes, the best medicine is a dose of reality. When you are having trouble seeing the best in yourself, you may need a professional to point it out. If you are close with your general practitioner, you can schedule a serious conversation about your concerns. It might also be helpful to enlist the help of a registered nutritionist, personal trainer, or psychologist who specializes in body dysmorphia or eating disorders. Your best resource will be someone with a firm, yet compassionate tone who can help you assess your current overall health and identify any of your irrational concerns.

• Get better goals.

If you’ve spent a fair amount of time boxed in by your perceptions about your weight or physical ability, it can be difficult to find other ways to define yourself. The challenge is to find other standards by which to measure your health and wellness. By addressing your concerns with a team of professionals, you can develop a set of solid numbers and create a plan. You can record information about your cholesterol levels, blood pressure, vitamin and nutrient intake, cardiovascular capacity, flexibility, level of stress, etc. Using your current numbers and your doctor’s guidelines, you can make a list of all the areas where you excel, and those where you have room to improve. Monitoring your gains in all these areas will help you to discover a more rounded vision of your own overall wellness.

• Actively strive to be satisfied.

People tend to think that if they could just change this or that, then they would be happy. That’s not to say that people shouldn’t make changes, but if they can also embrace that opportunity with greater self acceptance that’s probably the bigger lesson. Just as you create goals for your physical health and wellness, you can strive to attain satisfaction with your body as it is.

Actively practicing the following behaviors can help you to achieve a better body image:

• As you get dressed, list aloud things that you like about your body.
• Graciously accept compliments with a smile (instead of making a cynical or critical remark).
• Read articles on real health, nutrition and fitness and stay away from magazines that make you feel guilty or insecure.
• Catch yourself having negative or envious thoughts. Then rephrase in terms of something positive about your body.
• Find another focus.

Allowing yourself the time to identify why you don’t like certain aspects of your physical self can help you to see all the other strengths you possess. Once you come to grips with the things your body can and cannot do, you’ll find more freedom to focus on the things that really matter in life. Perhaps you’ve always wanted to volunteer at the local soup kitchen, or learn Spanish, or garden. When you’re not busy focusing on your body shape, size, or limitations, you can throw your efforts into a new cause or hobby. A foray into something new will allow you to exert control over your environment. Learning a new skill (or practicing an old favorite) will highlight all the great abilities you have, regardless of your weight or physical capacity.

• Plan ahead for setbacks and lapses.

How long has it been since your 6th grade dance? For me, the answer is close to 20 years. Think about how long body dissatisfaction has played a big part your life. Just as it takes time to develop negative thoughts and behavior patterns, it takes time and effort to reverse and change them. You can’t expect change overnight. But, once you’ve built a supportive network, a team of professionals, and an effective action plan, you are well prepared to create change and make it stick.

As far as my own battle with body image and teenage bulge, I wish I could say that I came out unscathed. I am definitely easier on myself these days. I consider myself to be healthy and well. I am a runner, a mountain biker, a novice yogi. I spend my days supporting others on the path to health and vitality. But, sometimes that age-old shame and resentment bubble up and I find myself focusing on things my body can’t do. Fortunately, the emotions that fueled my Oreo-and-ice-cream binges way back when are now more likely to spark an intense morning run or a call to a friend for some deep self-investigation. Every day, I strive to change what can be and find peace with what is.

I will probably never win a race or be the star of my yoga class. It’s doubtful that I’ll be discovered on the street and asked to pose for a Cover Girl advertisement. (And, I’m sure that I won’t ever get over the trauma of bra shopping with my mom!) On the other hand, someday, I may encounter a grave disability or injury that prohibits me from running every morning, from practicing yoga, from swimming with my nieces and nephews, from walking my dog. Regardless of our physical imperfections and limitations, we have the capacity to recognize health and beauty in every body. So, I wake every morning and try to muster up some love for a body that keeps me doing all the things I love to do. Doesn’t your body deserve a little love too?