Forgiveness is a misunderstood concept that has tremendous healing power. Many of us developed a skewed view of forgiveness. We heard, “Forgive and forget,” “Turn the Other Cheek,” and other such statements. We internalized the idea that we needed to forget about what happened to us and allow ourselves to be hurt again. Many of us felt bad or ashamed that we were unable or unwilling to forgive another person. We had the concept of forgiveness wrong.
Forgiveness does NOT mean condoning what a person did. It does not mean that it was all right for that person to hurt us. It does not mean that we should allow ourselves to be hurt again. It does not mean that we are bad because we didn’t want to let go of this. In a way, forgiveness isn’t really even about the other person. Forgiveness is about us.
Forgiveness is about the anger that is stewing inside of us turning into bitterness that is poisoning our soul. It’s about letting go of that black gunk deep inside of our gut that is affecting our mood, our well-being, our health, and our peace of mind. Our anger really doesn’t affect the other person. They aren’t feeling the hurt, the rage, the damaged self-worth as we ruminate on what they did to us. WE ARE. For this reason, forgiveness is about helping us to let go of the pain so that we can feel peaceful again.
The cost of hanging onto anger, bitterness, resentments and grudges is quite high. It can affect our relationships, our mental health, and our physical health. For example, the January 2005 issue of the Harvard Women’s Health Watch sited a pilot study at Duke University Medical Center, which showed that patients who could practice forgiveness felt significantly less back pain and anxiety. Another study was cited from the University of Tennessee regarding forgiveness and heart health. In this study, those who were “high forgivers” showed lower blood pressure than those who held onto grudges.
Other studies have shown further health benefits. Dr. Frederic Luskin conducted studies on forgiveness with three different groups. His studies showed that those who could forgive others who wronged them experienced a 70 percent reduction in feelings of hurt and a 27 percent reduction in stress symptoms such as backache, headache and stomach pain. Studies at the University of Wisconsin also correlated better health with the ability to forgive. If the health benefits aren’t enough to motivate one to pursue forgiveness, there are numerous studies that have shown how individuals can experience improved mental health when they let go of resentments.
So how does one learn how to forgive another? There are several steps toward forgiveness.
First: We need to recognize that we are feeling angry, hurt, bitter, resentful, etc. over what someone did to us.
Second: We need to acknowledge those feelings. We can verbalize them to a friend, our pet, or our therapist. We can journal them. We can write out lists of why we feel the way we do, “I’m angry because of this.” We can also write a letter to the person who hurt us that we never send.
We don’t have to talk to the person we are upset with to forgive them. This is an internal process. Sometimes it is better that we work this out ourselves. Many times people have a fantasy that they will talk to the person who hurt them and tell them everything they did and that person will apologize and all will be better. This won’t happen because even if that person does apologize, it doesn’t change what happened.
Third: We reassure ourselves that we are not bad and that we did not deserve to be hurt and we don’t have to set ourselves up to be hurt again.
Fourth: Next comes a harder step. This comes in the form of shifting our perspective. Now that we have worked through our feelings, we can look at the situation from multiple angles and assess what was going on with the other person for them to behave the way they did. ONCE AGAIN, THIS IS NOT CONDONING WHAT THEY DID. IT IS NOT SAYING IT WAS OKAY THAT WE WERE HURT. This step involves the recognition that we are all human with human frailties and human faults and that we all do things that aren’t so good at times. What could have been going on with that person for them to do what they did?
Fifth: Finally, we can let go of the situation. We can recognize that what happened is past and gone. It no longer has to haunt us. We can move on and feel peaceful again.
References
Casajaran, Robin. Forgiveness: a bold choice for a peaceful heart. New York. Bantam Books, 1992.
Five for 2005. Five reasons to forgive. Jan 2005. Harvard Women’s Health Watch.
Maltby, J. & Day, L. (2004). Forgiveness and defense style. Journal of Genetic Psychology, 165 (1), 99-110.
O’Donnell, E. (2002). How to forgive your enemies. Natural Health, 32 (9), 52-56.
Pirisi, A. (2000). Forgive to live. (Brief Article). Psychology Today, 33 (4), 26.
Rafenstein, M. (2000). Forgiveness: a path to a better you. (Brief Article). Current Health 2, 27 (4), 13.
