“No man is an Island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main...” ~ John Donne
People exist on a “continent” of shared humanity that is ever more apparent, for better or worse, during the holiday season. Family and friends reunite to share time together, exchange gifts, and reconnect. For some, this is a lovely and warmly anticipated occasion. For others, the idea of “time with family over the holidays” has become a cliche that denotes stress and a yearly desire for avoidance of the emotions that arise during the holiday season, a wish to “just let me get through this.” Families (which includes units of friends who may not be blood-related) can be loving, healthy, and functional, extremely dysfunctional, or anything in between, and this coming together over the holidays seems to amplify these underlying dynamics for many people.
No matter what the dynamic is that underlies a person’s experience of togetherness with others during the holiday season, deepening and healing can occur. There are many practical and heartfelt ways to promote this healing, and a beautiful result is that as one person in a family/friend grouping moves towards greater healing depth in how they relate with others, all the others are affected in a positive way even if they do not fully understand or realize this yet.
One way to approach holiday connections with more clarity is to set forth an intention prior to engaging with your loved ones this year. Why, and how, do you truly wish to connect with others this season? How would you like this experience to feel? Instead of connecting because “it’s just what you do” at this time of year, setting forth a more positive intention toward greater health of your relationships is a powerful way to set a new tone for growth. It may be helpful to reflect on past get-togethers to review when you felt most connected and happy, and when you felt least connected. What changes can be put into place this year based on your experience of past years?
When you experience your family and friends, you may find that it is easier to connect with some more than others. Fritz Perls, a psychotherapist who developed Gestalt Therapy, described relationships with others (and even with oneself) as being toxic or nourishing. Toxic relationships and behaviors are draining, exhausting, and promote negativity and ill feelings toward oneself and others. Nourishing relationships and behaviors are inspiring, energizing, and inspire deeper growth and health for oneself and others.
In your family, whom do you feel toxic around, and with whom are you nourished? When do you behave in toxic or nourishing ways with others? If you must interact with people who tend to behave in a toxic way, limiting your direct time with them and taking frequent self-care breaks can help restore your energy and clarity. For example, if you feel exhausted after one hour with a certain toxic person with whom you must spend time, excuse yourself to go for a walk outside in nature, to run an errand in town where you do something fun for yourself, or even pause for a few moments in a different room to practice some deep breathing before you resume being with them. If every hour you need to take a similar break, allow yourself to do so. In addition to limiting your time with that person, you may also need to reflect on whether you need to communicate with them about how their behavior affects you. If you need help in deciding if this is needed or in learning what to say, talking to a trusted healthy friend or even receiving some coaching from a therapist can be very helpful.
If possible, hang around family and friends who are the most nourishing. The feelings of happiness and self-love that a nourishing person inspires within you are direct feedback to you from your body to guide you in making this healthy choice! As you connect with people who are nourishing, take stock of your own behavior -- are you offering nourishment to them in return? If not, how can you communicate in a way that might help yourself and another to feel more alive and open?
Allow this holiday season to be a time to practice this deepening of expression with others, and notice how you feel inside as you do so. Again, your body will tell you which choices and behaviors are aligned with health and which are not. Healthy behaviors trigger feelings of relaxation, deep relief and openness of the heart, balanced energy levels, clarity of thought, feelings of inspiration, and greater aliveness. Unhealthy behaviors create feelings of mental/bodily tension and tightness, shallow breathing, confusion, negative thoughts and expressions toward oneself and others, and increasing stress, among other things. Observe how your body feels as you practice interacting with anyone you encounter and experiment with new, healthier behaviors based on this bodily feedback.
As you practice new behaviors to transform your holiday connections from stressful to enlivening, allow play and creativity to bloom amidst your time with others. Excess seriousness is rampant and contagious, especially among adults!
This summer, I attended a retreat called “The Ecology Of Play” that was presented by Grass Lake Sanctuary in Manchester, Michigan. It was beautiful to experience myself and 70 other adults loosening up our definitions of ourselves, experimenting with the types of play we used to enjoy as a child, and to feel the greater aliveness and relaxation this brought to each participant. Play is a necessary ingredient in the joy of being human and can lift burdens of stress that people carry. This holiday season, is there a way to bring more creativity and play into your family encounters? What can you do that is different, in a happy, playful way, than what you usually do? Can you share in a fun adventure together?
Since all beings exist in an interconnected web, in an ecosystem with each other, every choice that is made toward health and healing of any relationship affects the whole in a positive way. May your holidays be a time of growth, inspired change, and a chance to try new, deeper ways of relating to others and yourself. May you trust in this bigger picture of life and thrive with love and warmth this season.
